My stupid body is misbehaving again. I've had to reschedule my dentist appointment and as soon as I did my teeth started to hurt again with a vengance, I've got an infection in the jawbone and I don't think the last course of antibiotics did much good. I absolutely resent my own mouth costing me money!
And my period is trying to start but lately that means days of spotting before it decides what to do. I've been referred to the gyno because my wonky reproductive organs have been examined by 2 GPs and neither of them can figure it out. I won't go into gory detail but I'd rather they just found someting they can fix with surgery rather than just telling me it's a mystery again and that I have to live with it. Also, I'm a massive prude and terrified of being examined.
I'm staying with my parents for a few days and my sacles are here. I didn't take them with me when I moved out because I know I'd be enslaved to them. I really want to check my weight but I've told myself I have to wait till the end of the year. If I still want to then I can. I'm less scared of the number being to big (it always is, after all) it's more that I don't trust myself not to be checking multiple times a day which is pointless and unhealthy. As soon as they saw me my parents said I've lost weight, if that worries them I'll never know because they don't give much away. I still wish they wouldnt comment though, it's like if you've ever had an ED people think it's totally ok to comment on your weight and percieved health.
Anyway, aside from all this whining, I'm doing ok really. I think it've just reached some kind of stress event horizon and now I'm just coasting.
Sorry to spam up your friends page with my blah, hope you're all doing well whatever that means for you right now ^_^.
I just had the french toast I've been putting off for days and it was a bit of an anti-climax. I can't buy bread for myself so I stole a slice of my boyfriends cheapo bleached white stuff and I can't use real fats to cook with so I used that butter flavoured one calorie spray stuff, which tastes mainly of propellant. I should know by now that ersatz food isn't worth the effort.
I've just come back onto Livejournal after not really looking at it for 18months. I was away in IP for a year and i have just recently "settled" back. I would say that i was recovered, but i couldn't say how long it would last, or even if my eratic food routine was normal, slipping or whatever. I just went in search of a community that was at least err-ing on the side of recovery, because i do want to be able to discuss my ED related problems with people but not like i did in the old days when i was fully entrenched. So hence, new journal, new communities and not too much association with the old very sick me. i.e.: i would rather people know me now for who i am rather than be talking to me based on what they knew about me years ago. It's not that i mind talking about it, more that i don't want it to define me.
Anyway, i'm rambling.
I wish my girlfriend and assorted family members would stop pushing recovery on me so persistantly. I know they're only worried about my well being, but they just dont comprehend eating disorders. I wish there was a course they could take. Eating Disorders For Dumbies or something of the sort. I could very well go into treatment, gain a kilo or two and be released and It would be exactly the same when I got out. Just as it happened before. They've got to understand that just because you're in a programme doesn't mean you're fixed and that you've got to want to get better. You've got to be ready for it. And I know that I've got all the reasons in the world to want it, two very important reasons, I'm just not ready. Not yet.
What's your favourite book of all time?
Mine is the Harry Potter series. Huge nerd, with an HP inspired tattoo to prove it :p
i am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, and i plan to be assertive by telling him that i need to switch individual therapists. the one i have now isn't working out. but there is another one who calls me out and doesn't put up with any bullshit. she scares me a little bit, but as i'm not really an open book i think that she could be really instrumental in my recovery. so yeah. hopefully he listens this time. i hope this makes some sense to you guys...i can't even think straight right now.
hope all are well.
Hope you're all having a great day.
- Current Mood: okay
i hope everyone else is okay.
i hope you all are having great days.
this is where i am right now. i should probably put this behind a cut too, so read at your own risk.
i made it from friday through tuesday without purging. and then, last night, once everyone was nestled in for the night and i was left to my own devices for the first time in that many days, i binged. and purged. and binged. and purged. and binged. and purged. and considered binging again...and didn't. it scared me because i was starting to believe i could do this on my own. but there i was, not an hour into unsupervised time, and i had already done what i swore i would not do 6 times. perhaps i should be proud of myself for stopping when the thought entered my head. perhaps not. (i'm leaning towards not)
i have decided to give myself one more day. if i can make it through today without a binge and a purge, i'll know that i can do this without being locked in a cage. if i cannot, well... the ramifications of that outcome are unthinkable. i need to not be an epic failure on this one. i need to not flake out. i need to stay grounded.
for anyone in recovery... how did you make it through the first week? success? failure? should i give in and let them take me away, kicking and screaming?