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Argh. Teeth.

My stupid body is misbehaving again. I've had to reschedule my dentist appointment and as soon as I did my teeth started to hurt again with a vengance, I've got an infection in the jawbone and I don't think the last course of antibiotics did much good. I absolutely resent my own mouth costing me money!
And my period is trying to start but lately that means days of spotting before it decides what to do. I've been referred to the gyno because my wonky reproductive organs have been examined by 2 GPs and neither of them can figure it out. I won't go into gory detail but I'd rather they just found someting they can fix with surgery rather than just telling me it's a mystery again and that I have to live with it. Also, I'm a massive prude and terrified of being examined.
I'm staying with my parents for a few days and my sacles are here. I didn't take them with me when I moved out because I know I'd be enslaved to them. I really want to check my weight but I've told myself I have to wait till the end of the year. If I still want to then I can. I'm less scared of the number being to big (it always is, after all) it's more that I don't trust myself not to be checking multiple times a day which is pointless and unhealthy. As soon as they saw me my parents said I've lost weight, if that worries them I'll never know because they don't give much away. I still wish they wouldnt comment though, it's like if you've ever had an ED people think it's totally ok to comment on your weight and percieved health.

Anyway, aside from all this whining, I'm doing ok really. I think it've just reached some kind of stress event horizon and now I'm just coasting.
Sorry to spam up your friends page with my blah, hope you're all doing well whatever that means for you right now ^_^.

Nov. 9th, 2010

I just had the french toast I've been putting off for days and it was a bit of an anti-climax. I can't buy bread for myself so I stole a slice of my boyfriends cheapo bleached white stuff and I can't use real fats to cook with so I used that butter flavoured one calorie spray stuff, which tastes mainly of propellant. I should know by now that ersatz food isn't worth the effort.

Nov. 1st, 2010


I've just come back onto Livejournal after not really looking at it for 18months. I was away in IP for a year and i have just recently "settled" back. I would say that i was recovered, but i couldn't say how long it would last, or even if my eratic food routine was normal, slipping or whatever. I just went in search of a community that was at least err-ing on the side of recovery, because i do want to be able to discuss my ED related problems with people but not like i did in the old days when i was fully entrenched. So hence, new journal, new communities and not too much association with the old very sick me. i.e.: i would rather people know me now for who i am rather than be talking to me based on what they knew about me years ago. It's not that i mind talking about it, more that i don't want it to define me.

Anyway, i'm rambling.

 I wish my girlfriend and assorted family members would stop pushing recovery on me so persistantly.  I know they're only worried about my well being, but they just dont comprehend eating disorders.  I wish there was a course they could take.  Eating Disorders For Dumbies or something of the sort.  I could very well go into treatment, gain a kilo or two and be released and It would be exactly the same when I got out.  Just as it happened before.  They've got to understand that just because you're in a programme doesn't mean you're fixed and that you've got to want to get better.  You've got to be ready for it.  And I know that I've got all the reasons in the world to want it, two very important reasons, I'm just not ready.  Not yet.

Question time!:

What's your favourite book of all time?

Mine is the Harry Potter series.  Huge nerd, with an HP inspired tattoo to prove it :p 

when it rains.

i've hit a HUGE rut in recovery. i am no longer using bulimia symptoms, but it seems that the anorexia is making a comeback. i am currently afraid of every kind of food, but more afraid of food that isn't on my meal plan (for example: meal plan says "egg-beaters". we didn't have any egg-beaters, but we did have real eggs. i made the real eggs, stared at them, cried, and couldn't eat them.). i haven't finished a dinner at the IOP in weeks. my weight has dropped pretty significantly this week (i'm hoping that they'll decide it is edema related). the nutritionist asked me to keep a food journal this week, so that's what i did. trouble is, i used a food journal when i was restricting a million years ago and i think that maybe it triggered me into restricting now. i have also started to use self injury as a coping mechanism again, after 7 months clean. :/ so disappointed in myself... i don't even have words.
i am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow, and i plan to be assertive by telling him that i need to switch individual therapists. the one i have now isn't working out. but there is another one who calls me out and doesn't put up with any bullshit. she scares me a little bit, but as i'm not really an open book i think that she could be really instrumental in my recovery. so yeah. hopefully he listens this time. i hope this makes some sense to you guys...i can't even think straight right now.
hope all are well.

I don't know where I stand :(

Hey all, I'm new to this community.  I have been struggling a lot recently with disordered eating with strong anorexic tendencies.  I do not quite fit the anorexia criteria but yeah.  I am 22 years old and as of right now I am seeing a therapist and a nutritionist, both who are concerned about my eating patterns and exercising habits.  I've been threatened with inpatient multiple times, but I know it's only a threat since my weight is not quite low enough.  Part of me wants to get through this and overcome this demon but the other part of me holds me back because it just seems impossible, and my fears with food and weight are just too strong to ignore.  My boyfriend is amazing and he's stuck with me so far but I'm scared that one day he's going to say he can't handle this anymore, and I hope that isn't the case because he keeps telling me over and over again that he's not going to leave me and he'll always be there.  I want to overcome this for him, but not myself, and I know I can't get better unless I do it for myself.  I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to give up because I have no idea how to jump this hurdle.  I feel stuck, and I want to end the nutrition sessions and therapy as well.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Has anyone else been in this position but somehow made it through? Maybe I'm not ready to change my habits; my thoughts definitely haven't changed.  I don't know why I want to stop even trying; maybe it's because no matter how hard I try I just take 10 steps backwards.  I really don't know what to do anymore or where to go from here.  All I want is to be thin, to be beautiful, to have control.  This is one thing that I can control completely, and the one thing I feel like I'm actually good at.  I also have depression as well so I know that doesn't help me with my thoughts at times, because many times I feel like I just want to disappear, and that's exactly what I'm doing.  Help :/ I'm so confused and stuck. 

Hope you're all having a great day.

sad sick people like me.

i am sooooooooo done with going to doctors and to the EDTC. i wish someone would kill me. i have a minimum of one appointment every single day this week, whether it be physical therapy, cardiologist, internist, phlembologist, radiologist, or ED specialist.i haven't had a proper night of sleep (ie: more than 2 hours in a row) in weeks. i have terrible edema (12lbs in 5 days is not an appropriate weight gain, and if someone were to stick me with a pin, i think that i would probably be able to fill a swimming pool with all of the fluid i have retained. i feel like the big marshmallow guy in ghostbusters. i also have some sort of kidney infection that is caused by a UTI infection that has travelled back up into the kidneys. F.M.L.
i hope everyone else is okay.

god grant me the serenity...

i can appreciate the belief in a god, or several gods, or a higher power, etc. i think that it is wonderful that this belief helps people get through troubles in their lives, and that it gives them perceived strength and courage. but i don't share these beliefs, and the fact that a big part of group therapy seems to involve faith in god and prayer is making it really difficult for me to take it seriously. i respect the beliefs of others, but i cannot pretend to be personally down with it. i don't know what to say when they pray/talk about praying. do i ask to be excused? do i sit quietly and think about other things, like i do at family functions? i don't want to object, by any means, because it honestly seems to help some people in the group, or at least bring them comfort. it does not bring me comfort though. i don't want to say anything because i don't want to make people uncomfortable, or worse, make them feel the need to try and convert me or to make me see the error of my ways. any suggestions for how to handle this?
i hope you all are having great days.


somehow i managed to stay out of inpatient. but i have to do outpatient 3x per week, 5 hours each night. it is exhausting. i have my first family therapy session scheduled for tonight, and i am terrified. wish me luck. i hope you all are doing well.

so apparently....

stuffing yourself to the gills... like a turkey preparing for the oven on thanksgiving day... causes your well-meaning family to rethink the way that they overreacted (out of love, naturally), and also simultaneously decide that maybe, just maybe, outpatient is a better option for you. cut for numbers and craziesCollapse )
this is where i am right now. i should probably put this behind a cut too, so read at your own risk.
i made it from friday through tuesday without purging. and then, last night, once everyone was nestled in for the night and i was left to my own devices for the first time in that many days, i binged. and purged. and binged. and purged. and binged. and purged. and considered binging again...and didn't. it scared me because i was starting to believe i could do this on my own. but there i was, not an hour into unsupervised time, and i had already done what i swore i would not do 6 times. perhaps i should be proud of myself for stopping when the thought entered my head. perhaps not. (i'm leaning towards not)
i have decided to give myself one more day. if i can make it through today without a binge and a purge, i'll know that i can do this without being locked in a cage. if i cannot, well... the ramifications of that outcome are unthinkable. i need to not be an epic failure on this one. i need to not flake out. i need to stay grounded.
for anyone in recovery... how did you make it through the first week? success? failure? should i give in and let them take me away, kicking and screaming?

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